I have a problem...

I have a problem....

and it's going to absolute shock the people who believe they know me in real life.....

I'm shy.

Okay, so I am not shy in the sense that I refuse to talk to people, or engage with others. I'm shy in the sense that if I am interested in you, in any way other than platonic....I close up....unless I'm talking to you via text...and then I say things I shouldn't.

However, I still close up.

I'm terrified of rejection and failure.

I realize you're probably reading this and thinking "who isn't?" But it's bad. It's so bad that I can't do anything. This is an old example. But once in middle school a boy had heard I liked him, came up to me told me he liked me to and we should talk about it, and I said "what, I don't like you." That was Curtis...and I had a HUGE crush on Curtis. The sad thing is...things haven't changed. I still can't talk openly..I have to feel secure. I didn't feel secure.

I think now that I could respond with a "ok, let's talk." But I'm also 26 years old. But if the guy doesn't mention it first I'll never go there...

Kind of like my other confession....

I've never made the first move. NEVER.

 I slept with a guy for four years and never made a first move. I want too...turst me I want too, but I just can't be the first one to do it. I'm terrifed they'll change their mind...

How do I fix this? When will I gain the confidence? I know I am unhappy with my looks and myself. I'm not pretty, or sexy...but I do think I'm fun and loving. I'm always up to try new things and go on adventures....Why can't I embark on this adventure? Everyone who knows me thinks I'm confident, open, outgoing and  engaging...why can't I be with everyone? When will my fear of vulnerability go away?