Sunday, July 12, 2009

So you end up watching chances fade, and wondering what's real

"It's all so overrated, in not saying how you feel. So you end up watching chances fade and wandering what's real."

Those lyrics by the infamous Michelle Branch are the story of my life. Accompanied with this post becomes painfully obvious.

All my life I have struggled with when it mattered saying how I felt. Yes, I'm quick to pipe up when it's something insignificant. But when it comes to the things that matter that could actually change my life. That could actually change a relationship or a friendship and most of all if it's something that puts me in the position of being vulnerable....I literally cannot do it.

I cannot tell you how many times I've felt like there is something I had to say but I couldn't say it because of the position it put me in. I used to always think that this was my fear of being rejected. But the more I think about's not it. I mean I don't want to be rejected and it's something I'm not comfortable with. But it's the vulnerability that goes along with it that churns my stomach and starts that feeling of anxiety/panic attack.

It's sad.

I'm at the point in my life that I've let a situation go on for so long that now it seems like its too late to change. But at the same time I'm afraid of it changing. I know I'm being vague but the idea of continuing like this makes me feel inadequate and the idea of NOT continuing makes me panic. However, in order for anything to even change I would first have to be vulnerable and we all KNOW that's not going to happen. I can't speak what's on my mind...I can't do it on my own. I can open up in time but it has to be under positive circumstances which probably means I'm going to lead a very sad and unfulfilled life...but that's all I know. That's all I can do. So it'll be three years soon...and it may be three more..

Aiyiyiyi. Any suggestions on what to do?

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