Thursday, November 12, 2009

And what I feel is numbness...

I have never in my life been asked "how do you feel," as often as I have in the past 36 hours.

How do you even answer that question? Let's review....I have a tumor that they think is WAY bigger than they first diagnosed.....I will have to be in the hospital for a week, and probably won't be able to go back to work for almost 3 months...I have endocrinologist basically diagnosed it on the looking at me....he LOOKED at me and said "hmm I think you have Giantism," way to boast my self esteem.

I don't even know how I feel. I feel numb. I feel confused. I feel like I'm sad. Like I'm I have no clue what's going on. I love my job. I don't want to lose it.

I also have lost my footing. I used to have an important person in my life...and he no longer is really in my life. I feel like we went from best friends to not even friends. I don't even understand what's going on.

I don't know how to even process this. I simultaneously want to scream, cry and laugh. I think what this thing has done best is highlight how alone I am. Sure I hvae friends who call and love me, and family who attend appointments with me....but I don't have that one person who is supposed to be there for me. I have a roommate to go home to....but no one to go home too. I'm tired of not having a person just for me. I'm tired of feeling this feeling and not knowing who I can or will call. No matter who I talk to I don't feel like I can honestly express to them what I am feeling,....what i am thinking...or what I want to say. On top of that I don't know who I can say it too.

There are two people who I really want to talk to about it...the first person is the one I'm not even sure if we're friends anymore...and te other is my brother. Who doesn't seem to be doing too well with listening....but who also is sooo busy with his own life (in a good way!) and doing his own thing and working, and culinary school, and his girlfriend that really he doesn't have time for me. That sounds like I'm complaining but I'm not and he's been awesome at talking to me when he can.

Yikes, I'm just whinning...but I kind of feel better....but at the same time....I feel number and I have nooo idea what I am thinking or feeling.

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